Feint of Heat

Hillary Rodham Clinton barely escaped New York with her life on Thursday. Visiting the city to commemorate the 15th anniversary of 9/11 and proclaim, “What difference, at this point, does it make?”, the Democratic presidential nominee and email emancipator suffered, according to her campaign, a moment of ‘overheating’ and had to be rushed from the scene. While most thermometers around the city read 75 degrees, Clinton’s campaign staff confirmed an outdoor temperature of over 9000.

Clinton began to wilt from the heat which made the surface temperature of Mercury feel like absolute zero in comparison and which would have killed Donald Trump if he had had the courage to be in the city instead of on safari in the Yucatán Peninsula killing innocent Mexicans with his gold-plated assault hair, again, according to her campaign. In response, aides propped up Clinton against a bollard where she remained in a reptilian torpor for seven hours.

When the evac squad finally arrived, Clinton reanimated and began to make her way to the van with the grace of an overweight satyr with a blown-out ACL. Aides then proceeded to heave her into the vehicle like a lumpy laundry bag of sweet campaign cash.

Clinton was taken to NewYork-Presbyterian/Lower Manhattan hospital where she was admitted to the emergency room. Doctors there diagnosed her as suffering from a dinosaur-killing level of BS (Benevolent Syndrome) brought on by the stress of Fighting for us™ and prescribed a visit to her daughter Chelsea’s nearby apartment.

But the real threat to Clinton came hours later when the most qualified candidate ever emerged from the apartment building only to be menaced by a child assassin so ruthless that she had apparently killed half of Clinton’s Secret Service detail with her bare hands before rushing the presidential hopeful. (The other half, presumably, having already succumbed to the balmy New York weather.)

Deprived of security and utterly alone, Clinton, as captured in the grisly photo above, faced down her assailant on the sidewalk. And ate her soul.

One reporter on the scene, who misconstrued the attempted murder of the presidential nominee as a blatant photo op for Clinton, was heard to remark: “Oh, for Christ’s sake!” He was never heard from again.