Greetings fellow citizens, undocumented workers, and dentists.
Today is a momentous day. There’s never been a November 8, 2016 before and there will likely never be one again. So it is fitting on this uniquely unique day that we should hold the Most Important Election in the History of the Universe: Part 12, The Final Chapter.
Today is the day when you have a voice. Today is the day when you can, once and for all, choose to order a giant plate of utopia-stuffed nirvana with a side of fried ecstasy; or choose to singlehandedly unleash the full apocalyptic fury envisioned by John T. Apostle in his New York Times bestseller Book of Revelation.
Yes, you have that power. Much in the same way that, in 2008, your vote began to provide care for the sick and good jobs to the jobless, began to slow the rise of the oceans and heal our planet, ended war, secured our nation and restored our image as the last, best hope on Earth.
Good job on all that, by the way. Otherwise, we would’ve been overrun with jobless sick people drowning in the uninvited oceans of a dying planet consumed by war while our nation remained unsecured and desperately in need of a good makeover. You guys are the best.
Unless you vote today to annihilate all life on Earth with the cruelty of a thousand suns and a breakfast of pickled pig’s feet. Then, you guys are the worst.
So pick a side and get out there and vote. If you’re a Democrat, get out there and rise from the dead, jump on the bus, pile into the van, climb into the rental car and vote twice. And no funny business. Our democracy is too important to let it fall into the heinous, blood-stained hands of anyone who isn’t pandering to you.
As for us, we remember the singular wisdom of Dennis Miller.
Politicians are pricks, they’re strangers, they’re creeps, they’re grifters. They don’t matter enough to let them into your home… They’ve already got your money; for Christ’s sake, don’t give them your sanity, too.
Because the truth is that no matter who wins today, we all lose.