Kim Jong Won
Speaking of narcissists, see if you can follow this chronology of psychosis.
Fellow Maximum Leader Kim Jong-un has apparently gotten his regal paenti in a wad over a piece of American cinema depicting him in an authorized light.
Back in June, his Ministry of Petulance, the state-run KCNA news agency, issued this proclamation to the world regarding the Franco-Rogen vehicle The Interview:
The act of making and screening such a movie that portrays an attack on our top leadership… is a most wanton act of terror and act of war, and is absolutely intolerable.
Not just kind of intolerable. Absolutely intolerable. We’re talking about the kind of intolerable that just cannot be tolerated. So intolerable is this effrontery that The Kiminator promises ”merciless” retaliation should the film be released.
Fast forward to November. Sony, Japanese corporate behemoth, movie studio responsible for The Interview, and former recipient of the titanic Playstation Network hack, is hacked—to the tune of possibly 100 terabytes worth of the names, bank accounts, compensation schedules, favorite colors, Spotify playlists and shoe sizes of Sony Pictures Entertainment employees.
On December 17th, self-proclaimed hackers Guardians of Peace threaten to peacefully perpetrate 9/11-style attacks in which “the whole world will be full of fear” if The Interview is released in theaters on Christmas Day.
Based on that bone-chilling hyperbole, five major theater chains jam their respective cadres of corporate attorneys into their respective corporate conference rooms to deliberate the issue. Within a combined total of 4.20 seconds, all the chains reach a unanimous decision to not risk being sued into oblivion by some random moviegoer spilling hot soda in his crotch during The Interview and blaming it on the theater’s failure to take the Peaceful Guardians’ threat of wholesale slaughter and burned crotches seriously.
In the face of those acts of litigiously motivated valor, Sony stands resolute in the face of intimidation and remains committed to releasing the film. For almost a full eight minutes. After that, they instead release a statement proclaiming The Interview will never be released in any capacity and all mentions of the film on studio’s site disappear down the memory hole, officially transforming The Interview into the first-ever unfilm.
A few independent theaters, realizing that freedom really does cost a buck-o-five, plan to fill the yawning void of Sony’s brave capitulation with their own small but symbolic act of defiance of NorK terrorism by screening Team America: World Police.
Alas, Paramount decides, after having made millions from the ten-year-old movie, that its puppet-based, equal opportunity offender farce is actually not compatible with the delicate sensibilities of Pyongyang and prohibits the screenings.
Naturally, New Regency follows suit and pulls the pre-production plug on its espionage thriller set in North Korea and inexplicably starring Steve Carell.
Despite all this craven capitulation there is a happy ending to this tale. The NorKs did not have to expend all the time and exhausting effort presumably necessary to wage a campaign of “merciless” retaliation. Thank Sony, Paramount and New Regency for providing that convenience while we wait for the next voluntary silencing of the oh-so courageous and self-congratulatory denizens of Hollywood.