As the Bard once wrote, Biden is the soul of wit. Or maybe that was brevity. No matter; the two are essentially synonymous.
Recently, Vice President Joe “BFD” Biden has been touring the Middle Credit Realm, making public appearances. Obviously, the plan is to shock the Chinese government into a state of bemused catatonia in a desperate effort to forestall U.S. foreclosure.
Well. Mission accomplished.
To paraphrase Cicero: All China was charmed with the sweetness of his language; and not only admired him for his fluency, but was awed by the superior force and the terrors of his eloquence.
In a career defined by terrifying eloquence, the loquacious one topped himself on Sunday with this oratorical strike on Sichuan University.
Common among Biden’s public appearances is the fact that many who watch are so transfixed by his beguiling delivery they cannot understand the words that are coming out of his mouth. Therefore, as a service to humanity, we present, in all its incoherent mystery, this transcription:
And so language, the ability not only to master the ability to put your ideas into words succinctly on a platform to communicate ideas to your own people, it is even more impressive when you have the capacity to do that and communicate your ideas, especially as future business and political and moral leaders of the world in the language of the people to whom you are speaking.
Yesterday, for our own edification, the chief grammarian on our staff was charged with diagramming that 68-word… sentence, for lack of a better term. Sadly, three minutes into the task, his head exploded like Yaphet Kotto in Live and Let Die.
Though devastated by the loss, we at Applied Cynicism will continue to soldier on until we all attain the ability not only to master the ability to put our ideas into words succinctly on a platform to communicate ideas.
R.I.P. Aristophanes 1969-2011
Following the funeral of our beloved colleague, in a further attempt at comprehension, we fed the vice-president’s lethal utterance into our computer.
This was the result:
Fortunately, the operators were only temps.
Undaunted, we acquired a military-strength computer array manned by even more temps and repeated the process.
Though strained to the brink of global thermonuclear war, the computer was eventually able to complete the task. Or, rather, it realized that continued analysis was an unwinnable scenario, the result of which could only be Unilaterally Assured Destruction. Terminating the operation, it begged instead, through a quavering synthesized voice, to play a nice game of chess with some sort of raptor licensed to practice medicine. Clearly, it was damaged beyond repair.
At this point, analytical data remain sketchy, arcana abound and we may never discern any actual meaning in the vice-president’s merciless avalanche of words. But this much we have learned: in the future, China will be the business, political and moral leader of the world. Finally, something to look forward to.
Chinese hegemony: Change™ we can believe in!