Il and Bill

The wax dummies of the smiling dictator and the pasty adulterer above are a monument to photo-op diplomacy. They commemorate the comforting notion that, in this world of galloping insanity, two pathological liars can still come together, unite in the forbidden tango of the soulless bureaucrat, exchange meaningless reassurances and declare mutually exclusive victories.

Not that that’s what happened here.

This was not an example of statecraft but rather a daring rescue mission by Delta/SEAL commando William Clinton (the dignified Rhodes scholar on the right, holding the list of can’t-miss Korean pick-up lines). According to CNN, Clinton infiltrated North Korea and went upside L’il Kim’s head in an effort to secure the release of the two American journalists imprisoned there since March.

No, sorry, we misread that. Actually, Clinton did what he does best: apologize to belligerent despots for the fact that the United States still exists.

Clinton expressed words of sincere apology to Kim Jong-il for the hostile acts committed by the two American journalists against the DPRK after illegally intruding into it, the news agency reported. Clinton courteously conveyed to Kim Jong-il an earnest request of the U.S. government to leniently pardon them and send them back home from a humanitarian point of view.

To which Kim agreed, assuring the courteous philanderer that the women would be incinerated in the DPRK’s upcoming nuclear strike against the United States anyway.

Said the state:

The DPRK visit of Clinton and his party will contribute to deepening the understanding between the DPRK and the U.S. and building the bilateral confidence.

True. Clinton’s heroic and chivalrous extraction will build much bilateral confidence and contribute to deepening the understanding that the DPRK can continue its nuclear missile testing without fear of reprisal from the U.S.

But, as luck would have it, the United States is currently floundering under the benevolent rule of its own Dear Leader, the messianic superhero Obamaman. As that first Korean missile arcs toward impact on Hawaii, the Saviour can simply bat it away with a supple, loving, outstretched hand and preclude the fiery destruction of His birthplace.

So, it’s all good. And if you act now, you can order these commemorative ventriloquial figures.

The rescued journalists, Ling and Lee, are employees of Current TV, an Internet concern co-founded by Nobel Peace Prize for Hypocrisy recipient Albert Arnold “Al” Gore. Upon hearing the news of their release, Gore had this to say: “You humans are all murdering the planet, driving around in your hydro-belching carbonators and refusing to dial your lifestyles back to the Stone Age when the only thing people drove were environmentally friendly stone unicycles like those indigenous cave people in the comic strip ‘B.C.'”

Then he blinked.

Afterward, Gore got into his private jet to fly to the Piggly Wiggly across town to pick up a replacement fluorescent bulb for that one light fixture in the coal-fired amusement park located in the sub-basement of the Monte Carlo wing of his Tennessee mansion.