Heavy Congressional Mettle

This is two-fisted, bare-chested spending reform in action. This is trimming the budget with a flaming stump grinder. This is eviscerating the slobbering federal hydra with gleaming steel. In 3-D.

Abdicating their responsibility to pass a budget in September, craven Democrats have ensured this comical cavalcade of Continuing Resolutions (which is fitting because if there is one word that describes Congress it is “resolute”, continually). In addition, Democrats have set the stage for Smoker of the House John Boehner and the heroic House Republicans to slay the $1.65 trillion deficit monster menacing our nation.

Unlike politicians of yore, they have seized the opportunity… to cower under the specter of a government shutdown. Initially, they prepared to lop off $61 billion in one stroke. Not wanting to flaunt their formidable budget-cuttery prowess, they reconsidered and settled on $38 billion. Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed and that absurd number was pared down to $15 billion. Currently—concession being the better part of valor—the Republicans are itching to cut $352 million. And they’ll do it, too, man! Don’t think they won’t. Just give them one excuse. And when they do, don’t be surprised if a gravelly “Boehnerwulf!” is heard emanating from inside the House Chamber. Because these guys are serious about deficit reduction. Serious as a heart attack over a major metropolitan area during a solo flight around the world in a B-52 bomber carrying a full nuclear payload. And haggis.

$352 million is .000213 of this year’s projected deficit. For you voters too dumb to comprehend decimals, that is over two-hundredths of one percent! As an analogy: If your household was running a deficit of $20,000 this would be over $4.26 in cuts. For you voters too dumb to comprehend analogies, that is some serious reduction. Seriously.

The federal government’s current debt velocity is about $3.2 million per minute. That means that it—which is a euphemism for “we”—is only the hook for an additional (and paltry) $30 million since the first word of this post was typed—which is a euphemism for “keys randomly stabbed at”.

$352 million! The daringly courageous boldocity of this proposal is overwhelming. Think about it: If these draconian cuts are adopted, the nation will be that much closer to a balanced budget. For almost 112 minutes!

Camel Ultra Lights for everybody!