Nightmare Fuel

WARNING: The following video is graphic in nature. Viewer discretion is advised. Also blindness.

Profound foreign policy initiative: get the hell out of Palestine. Which aspect of Helen Thomas is more terrifying: the face that makes gargoyles simply want to quit out of frustration or the fact that she has been a member of the White House Press Corps since the Van Buren administration and this is still her attitude toward Israeli Jews?

Ignore, if you can, that fact that she is advocating a return to countries in which Jews were being systematically exterminated and focus instead on her designation of those places as ‘home’. One would think that a 5000-year-old vampire would have a broader historical perspective.

Memo to Helen—

Remember when you were covering the Titus reign for the Albus Domus Nuntius Corpus? Remember in 70 CE when Titus stomped Jerusalem into the ground and killed over a million Jews? Yeah, same place. See, they had lived there for a while until Rome persuaded them, with glossy brochures and swords, to try something new. And so, the Jews were livin’ la Diaspora for a few millennia, hanging at exotic locales around Europe, then they came back. Home. And it’s not home because a primeval deity decreed it thus. It’s a simple matter of ancestral geography.

You obviously disagree with the political decision that allowed them to return. Fine. Like most bureaucratic solutions, it’s a mess and the antagonism is not entirely one-sided. But, instead of waiting for the goats, you could have simply eaten Alfred Balfour when he was crossing your bridge and prevented the whole thing. Or, better yet, threatened to vacation in all the nations signatory to Resolution 181. But, no, you stayed here crafting completely unbiased fiction for UPI and confounding Harry Truman who thought you were an escapee from Roswell.

Shame on you for kicking back and letting Hamas and Hezbollah do all the heavy lifting for decades. Come on, hook a brother up. As Darth Sidious, you command effortlessly all the powers of the dark side; and yet, the only weapon you’ve chosen is words. Step it up. Order a couple of Star Destroyers to strafe the Knesset. (Imagine Netanyahu: “Our occupation can’t repel firepower of that magnitude! Let’s all head back to Germany! And Poland!”)

Also, mix in a dictionary and a grasp of rudimentary logic before you demand people leave their home to go back home. Don’t call for infantile ‘solutions’ to intractable problems.

And the next time you are embraced by the Seducer-in-Chief bearing cupcakes, smile. You look as though someone just told you that the photographer is a Jew.