Gunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows

In response to the Las Vegas massacre, Chillary Rodham Clinton, former First Harpy, vicarious victim of Vladmir Putin, and unrepentant demagogue, displaying the uncommon valor necessary to co-opt a communal tragedy and make it about herself, had this to tweet:

Our grief isn't enough. We can and must put politics aside, stand up to the NRA, and work together to try to stop this from happening again.

— Hillary Clinton (@HillaryClinton) October 2, 2017

We’re with her and her insufficient grief. Mere hours after the malicious, merciless, monstrous act of one man, let’s all put politics aside and politicize the slaughter by making it about the NRA.

You might think the NRA is just another opportunistic, propagandistic, money-hungry lobby—much like the American media—but you’d be wrong. Their primary desire is to arm otherwise harmless people like Stephen Paddock and keep arming them until they develop the urge to kill. Much like the American media.

Obviously, the NRA put weapons in the hands of Paddock so that he could murder dozens of innocent people and wound hundreds more; but that’s not enough. They won’t rest until every gun owned by every homicidal maniac in America is equipped with a silencer. Because they don’t just want carnage, they want inescapable carnage. And, as everyone who knows nothing about guns knows, a silencer makes a gun so quiet it absorbs all sound within a two-mile radius which renders the shooter invisible, undetectable by radar, and able to fly.

This is bad.

That’s why we’re proud to support the carpetbagger from Arkansas—who’s already done so much to prevent gun violence in Libya by prosecuting makers of badly produced videos—in what we presume will be a revolutionary new initiative in her bold stand against the NRA: Gun-B-Gone.

Gun-B-Gone eliminates the pesky problem of evil by going straight to the source. To the enlightened peoples who lovingly wove the bucolic, utopian tapestry of pre-gun history, evil was barely a theoretical construct. With the invention of the Chinese and a little thing called gunpowder, evil began to actually exist, though only in powdered form. Once the NRA invented guns, evil exploded. Exponentially. Suddenly, humanity was doing all sorts of unspeakable things like waging wars and installing shag carpet.

But with just one application of Gun-B-Gone, evil melts away like Raiders of the Lost Ark Nazis! Hearts of darkness become rainbow factories! Bitter bullets become lickable lollipops! All the voices in your head sing MMMBop—sometimes even in unison!

That’s right! With Gun-B-Gone, say “goodbye” to mental illness and “hello” to mental chillness!

How does it work? It just does, that’s how. So, shut up and envision a glorious, gun-free future where gun-crazed killers like Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols won’t be able to use a van full of guns shaped like a fertilizer bomb to kill 168 people and injure 680 more; where Andrew Kehoe won’t be able to detonate hundreds of pounds of guns planted throughout an elementary school to kill 38 children and six adults and wound 58 others; where the members of Dr. Manson’s 100% Natural Good Time Family Band Solution won’t be able to use guns shaped like knives to brutally stab to death seven people, including an eight-and-a-half-months pregnant Sharon Tate; where Ted Kaczynski won’t be able to send exploding guns through the mail to kill three and wound 23, while ultimately failing to successfully detonate a homemade gun aboard a plane that could have killed another 80; where Dennis “BTK” Rader won’t be able to use guns to strangle, suffocate, or stab to death ten victims; where Ted “Theodore” Bundy won’t be able to use devastatingly charming guns to brutalize and kill over 30 women; where Charles Edmund Cullen won’t be able to use intravenous guns to kill over 30 patients; where Jeffrey Dahmer won’t be able to to strangle and dismember 17 victims—with guns; where clowns like John Wayne Gacy won’t be able to use guns as a tourniquet to kill by asphyxiation more than 33 boys; and where Mohamed Mohamed el-Amir Awad el-Sayed Atta and His Merry Band of Hijackers Hijackers and/or George W. Bush won’t be able to use guns shaped like commercial airliners to destroy two of the tallest buildings in the world, killing 2,996 and injuring over 6,000.

Gun-B-Gone: ask for it by name!

In these dark days, we need the ruling class and their pernicious chicanery. Now more than ever. So be sure to thank Chillary and all the other paternalistic plutocrats—who enjoy 24/7 armed security paid for by unarmed taxpayers—for having the iron will to ignore the real issues and instead pretend to do battle with an impotent 501(c)(4) organization that enacts no legislation, trafficks in no arms, and has absolutely nothing to do with the evil that men do.