The Elocutioner’s Song

In a stunning upset, Barney Frank won his Massachusetts seat for the 113th time. As always, Chowds, great job.

Afterward, Frank addressed a cheering throng of 27 at his palatial campaign headquarters.

For those of you despondent, contemplating suicide but lacking the courage, we suggest you watch this video in its entirety. Should your head remain unexploded by minute six, certainly by minute eight you will have run screaming from the room into an oncoming train.

Two things—

First: the inclusion, at Frank’s left, of that poor boy with the vacant stare is clearly child abuse. Someone in Massachusetts, please intervene and save that kid. He shouldn’t be that close to any politicrat, let alone a paragon like Barney Frank. It’s corruption by osmosis.

Second: be glad this wasn’t a concession speech; people may have been knifed in the process. Fortunately, everyone enjoys a sore winner.

That’s right, Bawney, you won. Despite those wascally Wepublicans and the obscene amounts of vituperation they heaped upon you and Jim, your nascent photojournalist spouse, you won. And unlike other races, it was, as you stated, a vewy impowtant campaign to win. So stop gargling marbles in front of that microphone and start training. Start training to pwotect the financial wefowm bill and move fowwawd with a fuwthew set of pwoductive activities.

And please, please, show us why there is a better way to alleviate our anger. Whatever the hell that means. Because that’s what we need. If only Democrats could have controlled both houses of Congress and the administration for the last two years, instead of being thwarted at every turn. That fills us with so much unmitigated rage!

Above all, Frank’s victory tirade was notable for this: he uttered, maybe for the first time in his life, a demonstrably true statement. So gloriously true that we have declared it his permanent official slogan:

Barney Frank: a disproportionate beneficiary of the American political system, since 1981.