Whodical Whatlam?

In one of the most painful public contortions since William ‘The Wizard of Is’ Clinton, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder clearly demonstrates why there are a variety of reasons he is the best and the brightest that the Ivy League has to offer.

The highlight of the exchange is Eric’s head snap of perplexity when Lamar pronounces the words ‘radical Islam’. It’s as if Lamar had randomly said: “Do you feel that, uh, these individuals, uh, might have been incited to take the actions that they did, uh, because of radish-pickle lip balm?”

One thing is clear: Eric is brilliant. Only a rapier legal mind such as his could have so thoroughly deduced the improbable by ignoring the apparent. The effort expended by him in an attempt to avoid any mention of the obvious in his answer is undeniably impressive. And yet, he certainly thinks that it is possible that people who espouse a radical version of Islam have had an ability to have an impact on people like Mister Shahzad.

Comforting. The guy’s brilliant but he’s not totally intransigent.

As to actually ascribing motive to the attempted bombing, however, we mustn’t rush to judgment. There are many expatriate Pakistanis who would love to explode Times Square simply for the universally human joy that comes from obliterating Craigslisted SUVs at the crowded nexus of Broadway and Seventh Avenue. So don’t assume it has anything to do with terrorism. How ridiculously naively insensitively racist. And especially do not invoke the dark specter of radical Islam. The current ruling class knows that ‘radical Islam’ is merely a neocon straw man designed to confound the masses while America continues its imperialist depredations across the globe in a rampaging effort to supplant soccer and baklava with baseball and apple pie.

In truth, we hold a similar view to that of Comrade Holder. We certainly think that is is possible that people who espouse a radical version of ineptitude have had an ability to have an impact on people like Americans. Likewise, there are a variety of reasons why idiots like this get into positions of power. Notably absent among them is qualification. Meritocracy is a laughably inscrutable abstraction to the ruling class. Almost invariably the upper echelons of power are attained through an emetic stew of winks, nods, sycophancy and cash. Also, it helps to have an underwhelming intellect, a lust for power, the scruples of a whore, and a mustache that matches your eyebrows. But enough about Janet Napolitano.

On a positive note, the government’s primary legal advisor has given us a formidable tool of obfuscation we can all use in our daily lives. There is now no question we cannot not answer.

As an added bonus, it works wonderfully for those complex questions the answers to which would take days to articulate. For example:

Why do you believe a demented Nigerian dwarf goat not licensed to practice law in any state would make a more capable Attorney General than Eric Holder?

There are a variety of reasons…