RAISON D’ÊTRE

To eradicate, by aggressive applications of cynicism, the credulity and naiveté that allows disinformation to spread, liars to prosper and liberty to fail.
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Rhetorical Assassin

25 August 2011 | posted by Juvenal

As the Bard once wrote, Biden is the soul of wit. Or maybe that was brevity. No matter; the two are essentially synonymous.

Recently, Vice President Joe “BFD” Biden has been touring the Middle Credit Realm, making public appearances. Obviously, the plan is to shock the Chinese government into a state of bemused catatonia in a desperate effort to forestall U.S. foreclosure.

Well. Mission accomplished.

To paraphrase Cicero: All China was charmed with the sweetness of his language; and not only admired him for his fluency, but was awed by the superior force and the terrors of his eloquence.

In a career defined by terrifying eloquence, the loquacious one topped himself on Sunday with this oratorical strike on Sichuan University.

Common among Biden’s public appearances is the fact that many who watch are so transfixed by his beguiling delivery they cannot understand the words that are coming out of his mouth. Therefore, as a service to humanity, we present, in all its incoherent mystery, this transcription:

And so language, the ability not only to master the ability to put your ideas into words succinctly on a platform to communicate ideas to your own people, it is even more impressive when you have the capacity to do that and communicate your ideas, especially as future business and political and moral leaders of the world in the language of the people to whom you are speaking.

Yesterday, for our own edification, the chief grammarian on our staff was charged with diagramming that 68-word… sentence, for lack of a better term. Sadly, three minutes into the task, his head exploded like Yaphet Kotto in Live and Let Die.

Though devastated by the loss, we at Applied Cynicism will continue to soldier on until we all attain the ability not only to master the ability to put our ideas into words succinctly on a platform to communicate ideas.

R.I.P. Aristophanes 1969-2011

 

UPDATE:

Following the funeral of our beloved colleague, in a further attempt at comprehension, we fed the vice-president’s lethal utterance into our computer.

"STAND BY FOR COMPUTATIONAL ANALYSIS..."

This was the result:

"...OH, GOD!!!!"

Fortunately, the operators were only temps.

Undaunted, we acquired a military-strength computer array manned by even more temps and repeated the process.

Though strained to the brink of global thermonuclear war, the computer was eventually able to complete the task. Or, rather, it realized that continued analysis was an unwinnable scenario, the result of which could only be Unilaterally Assured Destruction. Terminating the operation, it begged instead, through a quavering synthesized voice, to play a nice game of chess with some sort of raptor licensed to practice medicine. Clearly, it was damaged beyond repair.

At this point, analytical data remain sketchy, arcana abound and we may never discern any actual meaning in the vice-president’s merciless avalanche of words. But this much we have learned: in the future, China will be the business, political and moral leader of the world. Finally, something to look forward to.

Chinese hegemony: Change™ we can believe in!

Categories: Dunces, Joseph Robinette Biden Jr., Political Accomplices
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Blurred Visionary

14 April 2011 | posted by Mencken

Lord Obama enthralled attendees during His appearance yesterday at George Washington University with an oration expounding on His deficit and debt reduction plan. It was official because He was flanked by dimly lit American flags and broadcast on the cable network juggernaut C-SPAN3. Apparently C-SPAN couldn’t break away from its coverage of the House draperies being steam cleaned and C-SPAN2 was running a Book TV episode from 1998.

Weighing in at 5,442 words, the address was repetitive, fallacious and coma-inducing. But it was obnoxious. Here is a merciful distillation:

This is my vision for America: A vision where we live within our means while still investing in our future, where everyone makes sacrifices, but no one bears all the burden, where we provide a basic measure of security for our citizens and we provide rising opportunity for our children.

Of course it is. What else? And two years into His reign, He is so close to making that vision a reality He can taste it. If only the psychotic Republicans hadn’t been the minority for all that time, powerless to stop His common-sense agenda of spending the country into oblivion in order to live within our means! And now that they’ve seized control of the House through the treacherous, clandestine “election process”, our means-living-within potential is severely threatened.

But as long as rhetoric can remain blissfully unattached to action, He will continue to inspire leg-tingling in albinos everywhere. Experience just a taste of the exhilaration here:

 

THRILLER.

 

Be warned. The teleprompter speed appears to be set to Star Wars Opening Crawl. So prepare for uncomfortably long stretches where Maximum Leader has nothing to do but blink and grimace as he waits for the scroll to catch up. But, all in all, riveting stuff (in the sense that viewers will feel as though a column of white-hot rivets is being slowly driven through their cerebral cortices).

Categories: Barack Hussein Obama II, Spending
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Congressional Mettle

14 April 2011 | posted by Diogenes

This is two-fisted, bare-chested spending reform in action. This is trimming the budget with a flaming stump grinder. This is eviscerating the slobbering federal hydra with gleaming steel. In 3-D.

Abdicating their responsibility to pass a budget in September, craven Democrats have ensured this comical cavalcade of Continuing Resolutions (which is fitting because if there is one word that describes Congress it is “resolute”, continually). In addition, Democrats have set the stage for Smoker of the House John Boehner and the heroic House Republicans to slay the $1.65 trillion deficit monster menacing our nation.

Unlike politicians of yore, they have seized the opportunity… to cower under the specter of a government shutdown. Initially, they prepared to lop off $61 billion in one stroke. Not wanting to flaunt their formidable budget-cuttery prowess, they reconsidered and settled on $38 billion. Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed and that absurd number was pared down to $15 billion. Currently—concession being the better part of valor—the Republicans are itching to cut $352 million. And they’ll do it, too, man! Don’t think they won’t. Just give them one excuse. And when they do, don’t be surprised if a gravelly “Boehnerwulf!” is heard emanating from inside the House Chamber. Because these guys are serious about deficit reduction. Serious as a heart attack over a major metropolitan area during a solo flight around the world in a B-52 bomber carrying a full nuclear payload. And haggis.

$352 million is .000213 of this year’s projected deficit. For you voters too dumb to comprehend decimals, that is over two-hundredths of one percent! As an analogy: If your household was running a deficit of $20,000 this would be over $4.26 in cuts. For you voters too dumb to comprehend analogies, that is some serious reduction. Seriously.

The federal government’s current debt velocity is about $3.2 million per minute. That means that it—which is a euphemism for “we”—is only the hook for an additional (and paltry) $30 million since the first word of this post was typed—which is a euphemism for “keys randomly stabbed at”.

$352 million! The daringly courageous boldocity of this proposal is overwhelming. Think about it: If these draconian cuts are adopted, the nation will be that much closer to a balanced budget. For almost 112 minutes!

Camel Ultra Lights for everybody!

Categories: John Andrew Boehner, Spending
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